How to Break Up with Someone, According to Experts Who Want to Help Make the Process Suck as Little as Possible

2. Don’t Ghost

Boy can it be tempting, but disappearing isn’t the answer. “Ghosting makes imaginations run wild,” Reyes explains. Ghosting, she says, leaves a lot of room for interpretation, which makes it “quite possibly the unkindest way of breaking up.” Without the closure of a “this isn’t working” conversation, the partner who’s broken up with will likely wonder, Am I not enough? Smart enough? Kind enough? Pretty enough? Strong enough? Too kind? Even though breaking up is uncomfortable, ghosting is a cop out that shows a lack of respect for your partner. Rip the Band-Aid off, don’t leave them in the lurch with their thoughts.

3. If You’re Ending a Long-Term Relationship, Don’t Make the Breakup Sudden

Being blindsided is never fun. House says that if you’ve been in a serious, long-term relationship, it’s better to float the idea that you’re not feeling completely fulfilled—thereby giving yourselves the opportunity to fix things—rather than out of the blue telling your partner you’re done. “Even though it's likely coming to an end, this person who you once cared so much for deserves some advance notice that you are unhappy, as well as the opportunity to try to change and fix it,” she tells us.

So how do you leave these breadcrumbs? House explains: “Say something to the effect of ‘I have been thinking about my needs in a relationship, and you fulfill many of them. I love how you make me feel x, y, z…But there are several very important needs that aren’t being met and I am wondering if these are things that we can work on, or if we aren’t right for each other.’” From there, explain what those unmet needs are, and ask what your partner’s needs are (since a relationship isn’t a one-way street). “Come up with a plan together on how you both can work on fulfilling them,” House continues. “If improvement hasn’t happened over about a month, then you need to have another conversation, that will likely end with a goodbye. By being honest and vocal about your needs, you could be surprised that your partner is actually able to fulfill them, saving your relationship.”

4. Don’t Say You Don’t Want a Relationship If What You Really Mean Is ‘I Don’t Want a Relationship with *You*’

It can be tempting to try to ease the blow of a breakup by telling the little white lie that you’re not looking for a relationship right now (when, in fact, you are, but this isn’t the right person). Reyes stresses that being honest about what you’re feeling and why you’re making the decision to end the relationship is the way to go. “Attraction doesn’t follow our rules or abide by our check list,” she says. “Sometimes we meet someone who seems perfect on paper, attractive, kind, driven, fun, funny, etc., but there’s just something missing. Tell them exactly that. It’s OK if you can’t pinpoint what’s missing, it isn’t easy to explain. You’ll cause more pain in the long run, however, if you insist you don’t have the time for a relationship and a month later end up finding the one.”

5. Once the Breakup Happens, End All Communication

Both House and Reyes agree that it’s necessary to cut off all communication (at least for a while) after a breakup. “It’s hard to suddenly and completely never speak with the person who was not just your lover, but maybe your best friend, confidant, first and last call of the day,” House admits, but adds, “Just because they are part of your past doesn’t mean they need to be part of your future. And honestly, they don’t want to know about your dating life or new partner. It is hurtful.” Reyes echoes that communicating after a breakup is tempting (as is breakup sex), but that reaching out after ending your relationship will make it harder for both of you to move on. “Avoid going to their favorite breakfast spot, mute them on social media and tell friends not to talk to you about them,” she tells us. “There will be enough to remind you of them, don’t make it harder than it has to be. If you’re able to get a clean break, do it.”